Dear Rachel,
I think it's time I took a pause and wrote a letter to you. Something from my heart that I hope one day you can read and understand what life with you, up to now, has been like.
I think I can count on one hand the days I've gone to bed and thought, "Wow, I was a good mom today." The truth is, I go to bed nearly each and every night feeling like a complete failure.
My hope when you were born was that I would be patient, understanding, encouraging, loving, and a close friend for you.
The reality is that I'm selfish, impatient, frustrated, controlling and busy. I've discovered in the past 3.5 years that I'm the exact opposite of the parent I had hoped I would be.
I get angry and frustrated when you don't do what I say.
I get sad and hurt when you run to someone else instead of me for comfort.
I run out of patience as I pull you through each morning to eat, get dressed, and out the door.
I find myself almost in tears as I hear you crying when I leave you at school each and every day.
I feel so excited as I go to pick you up knowing it's that one point in the day when you're happy to see ME and no one else. And it hurts when the first words out of your mouth now aren't "Mommy!"
....They're "Can I have jellybeans?"
I am so proud when we're around other people and you are so polite and sweet.
....And then I get sad and angry that you don't always do that when it's just daddy and I.
I love hearing you play with your castle, dolls and horses. And I love it when you ask me to play. Then I find myself completely lost and unable to see things from your point of view. Why do these rules keep changing? Why does one of the dolls always have to cry? Why does one of the dolls always suddenly jump on the roof and whine to be rescued? And when I try to rescue them, why is that wrong? Then I feel like I'm not playing right and I'll try to find something else for us to do.
I want to watch you marvel at puzzles and make fun creations in the kitchen. You always have your own agenda. And I wonder sometimes if there's too many distractions and too many things to do. I don't like making messes because I can't get you to understand we have to pick them up. And by we, I mean I normally end up having to pick it up.
But with all my own insecurities and negativity let's boil our lives down to reality and what it really is. You're an amazing girl. When in the right mood, you say and do the funniest things! You seem to have no fear and will do whatever it takes to get what you want. (And I hope we foster that into a healthy attribute!) You have a deep compassion that just appears out of nowhere. You love all animals and enjoy nature.
So as we continue on this journey together I hope you have patience, understanding, encouragement, love, and are a close friend for me. I hope that through all of my bad qualities of being a mom you see what I'm trying to do and know that I love you so much.
No matter how angry, insecure, selfish or jealous I may feel or act, at the root of all of that is the love I have for you. All those flaws I'm constantly trying to work on and am constantly failing at. I want you to grow up knowing people aren't perfect. But you are loved. So much.
God surrounded you with so many people that love and adore you more than then sun and moon. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
So remember that I'm not a perfect mommy. I'm willing to admit that. I mess up. All. The. Time. I am so sorry for all my flaws. I am so sorry I'm not the mommy I was so certain I would be.
I have tried very hard since we moved to slow down and give you my full attention, even if just for a few minutes, each and every day. I've tried to give you choices and teach you how to be independent and strong. And I promise that all my flaws I'm constantly working on.
I think it's time I took a pause and wrote a letter to you. Something from my heart that I hope one day you can read and understand what life with you, up to now, has been like.
I think I can count on one hand the days I've gone to bed and thought, "Wow, I was a good mom today." The truth is, I go to bed nearly each and every night feeling like a complete failure.
My hope when you were born was that I would be patient, understanding, encouraging, loving, and a close friend for you.
The reality is that I'm selfish, impatient, frustrated, controlling and busy. I've discovered in the past 3.5 years that I'm the exact opposite of the parent I had hoped I would be.
I get angry and frustrated when you don't do what I say.
I get sad and hurt when you run to someone else instead of me for comfort.
I run out of patience as I pull you through each morning to eat, get dressed, and out the door.
I find myself almost in tears as I hear you crying when I leave you at school each and every day.
I feel so excited as I go to pick you up knowing it's that one point in the day when you're happy to see ME and no one else. And it hurts when the first words out of your mouth now aren't "Mommy!"
....They're "Can I have jellybeans?"
I am so proud when we're around other people and you are so polite and sweet.
....And then I get sad and angry that you don't always do that when it's just daddy and I.
I want to watch you marvel at puzzles and make fun creations in the kitchen. You always have your own agenda. And I wonder sometimes if there's too many distractions and too many things to do. I don't like making messes because I can't get you to understand we have to pick them up. And by we, I mean I normally end up having to pick it up.
But with all my own insecurities and negativity let's boil our lives down to reality and what it really is. You're an amazing girl. When in the right mood, you say and do the funniest things! You seem to have no fear and will do whatever it takes to get what you want. (And I hope we foster that into a healthy attribute!) You have a deep compassion that just appears out of nowhere. You love all animals and enjoy nature.
So as we continue on this journey together I hope you have patience, understanding, encouragement, love, and are a close friend for me. I hope that through all of my bad qualities of being a mom you see what I'm trying to do and know that I love you so much.
No matter how angry, insecure, selfish or jealous I may feel or act, at the root of all of that is the love I have for you. All those flaws I'm constantly trying to work on and am constantly failing at. I want you to grow up knowing people aren't perfect. But you are loved. So much.
God surrounded you with so many people that love and adore you more than then sun and moon. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
So remember that I'm not a perfect mommy. I'm willing to admit that. I mess up. All. The. Time. I am so sorry for all my flaws. I am so sorry I'm not the mommy I was so certain I would be.
I have tried very hard since we moved to slow down and give you my full attention, even if just for a few minutes, each and every day. I've tried to give you choices and teach you how to be independent and strong. And I promise that all my flaws I'm constantly working on.
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